Today I went to the ER, couldnt of asked for a better day. My stomach hurt in the morning, which I thought was a continuation of my actions the night before, when I woke up and I just thought it would go away so I took two Tylenols and continued to get ready for class. I took a shower and after my stomach was still in pain so I laid down for a few before I went to class (I cant afford to miss much school). I continued on to school on my way there I made an unhealthy choice (which didnt occur to me that it was until 15 minutes later). I gathered all my stuff and headed into the room I sat down and yes my stomach was in pain but I thought it would go away I just had to tough it out. There I am sitting there battling a pain in my stomach, my palms got sweaty along with my whole body I felt like I was starting to pour. It was no longer comfortable for me to sit up as my Professor tried to show us slides, so I began to slink down in my chair to find a more suitable position to at least get me through the first half of class.
I was beginning to get frantic and look around the room, I decided that I could not stay for this class I felt nauseated and faint. I texted my mother “I need help” as it took me awhile to get that down. I slid down in my chair even further as I waited for a response that never came. I pulled myself together and walked into the conjoined classroom that I knew was empty. I laid down on the table in the middle of the classroom and tried to call my mother. I was in so much pain. I didnt want to curl or lay straight; nothing was making me more comfortable. My breathing became out of control as I did not know how to handle such a strong pain in my lower abdomin. I called my mother 4 times before I gave up and called my grandma, I was panicking and in pain all I could tell her was to come get me immediately.
I rolled around and around on the table all I wanted was to go home and never go outside again. I couldnt help but look up and think about how I probably deserved every bit of that pain. How I had no right to go on anymore and probably wasnt going to. I decided to give my mother another call and this time she answered I told her I was in excruciating pain and was lying on a table in an empty classroom. It hurt to speak so i tried to say what was most important. After that phone call, my class was done in the other room and students began to come over to the room where I was lying down like an idiot. I asked one of the guys in the class to get my our teacher and that he did in a hurry.
She came over and said she was going to call the police they would be able to help. I asked for none of that but for her to make sure my grandmother made it over to me. As my teacher asked me questions and told me to stay calm my grandmother came in. I had went from hot to trembling and breathing faster than ever. One of the older women in my class came over and instructed me to keep my eyes open and told me I needed to slow down my breaths as it would make the pain worse. They tried to figure out what it was that was happening to me, asking me questions pressing points on my stomach. My teacher had called 911 anyway and EMT was on there way. I had three people around me as I tried to do as the woman said keep my eyes open and calm my breaths easy as it sounds it was not at all. Soon my aunt showed up and I closed my eyes for what felt like mere seconds, when I opened them the EMT came I had cords and needles on me. Men were asking me questions, “Could you be pregnant” ?, “any drugs or alcohol today”?
Everything was happening so fast. I didnt know who was around me, I was trembling, nervous, sick, in pain. They all had urged that I went to a doctor but all I wanted was to be in my bed to go back to where my day had began and ended last night and just not move. In fear that it was appendicitis I was taken to the ER where I was given a bag to breath out of . It was going to be several hours before I would even be seen as it was just my luck that at 10 o clock on a Tuesday everyone else in San Diego had gotten sick as well.
My mother decided to take me home and if the worst happened again she would just take me to urgent care. For about 4 hours straight today I stared at my ceiling and pretended that I did not exist. I could have died and not a soul would have known. After I regained my being I watched “Like Water for Chocolate” for the first time,so many similarities could be drawn from that movie and the worst ones. Ive decided to just keep my mouth closed and my head low. I dont want to be the source of someone elses heartache…
There are so many things I want for myself. There is the life I envision and then there is the life I lead and one day I hope I start living the life that I dream of. I’m such a downer lately and if you read my blog, I’m a downer always. Its just that I’m growing and the decisions I make now mark the rest of my life. I’m trying(main word) to tread carefully through it. I’ve made mistakes, and big ones and I’m trying(main word again) to work on them and be different.
Sometimes it doesn’t help being a girl, or maybe its just me, but I worry about one things and then I start doubting other things. My biggest battle is coming to an end soon, school ends in one and a half week. I just keep telling myself and it provides a bit of sanity.
Once that is over, I’m changing everything. I mean it, everything. I don’t want to look the way I do, feel the way I do now, and I want to learn to be more quiet and reserved kind of draw back from being the clown in the room, i don’t like the way it feels every once in awhile you step back and see who you are and you ask yourself do you like what you see? sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don’t even know who I am.
I keep listening to how do the willows song ever since I heard of it. Then I started to think back to a particular time when I remember hearing this song in the background I was sitting in a car staring at a GameStop and at the time I didn’t think much of it as shortly after I stormed out of the car.
I just want to drift away for awhile and think to myself, actually get some uninterrupted sleep in. Listen to Oh Sweet Nothin’ Over and Over again…..
Hmmm.. I can’t wait to live life on my own time and not have so many things demanded of me.
Work was just a stress because the people their are nerve-racking, I mean i can quit my job but where do yougo when your family the very people you live with add on to your stress load? I dont have a clue and they are and have been unbareable, it sucks I get kicked out of my house for even thinking so I dont have any other place to live (i wish I did) SO many things are wrong living here and it stars with my mother I understand there is alot on her plate and when I try to help I cannot, I cant do anything to ease some of her stress. Her stress is the divorice, no source of income and my siblings(maybe me too but i keep to myself) I try to help my mom take care of my brothers and sisters but I when they are dis-respectful, rude and have short attention spans I cant do it. So I ask my mother to show them they need to respect others what does she tell me: “It takes a village to raise a child.” I guess thats one village Im not apart of because I can not help take care of someone who will not listen to me. Its frustrating.
They have poor diets, learning disabilities, and no regulation at home(well not enough)
Living here and quitting my job may just be the death of me. I wont be anywhere else but here. I cannot help their atitudes because no one in my house will permit me to tell them what their doing is wrong.
I have schoolwork up to my neck, a love life that just could tear me apart any further and I just want to be alone. I cant take any of it. Why cant I quit life tht would be perfect. What a great solution I want to put in my 2 week notice on life, can I just clean out my cubicle and tell life I quit Im done I dont want nything else to do with it.
Im so fed up. I cannot turn anywhere I have myself and their are major issues with me. ugh ihdoihweiuuwefhqbwjdbshio huidunwlih
Im at my melting point. That point where you feel like every aspect of your life is just failing. I’ve never felt so built up with all of my emotions, I was told Im really feeling all of my emotions, more than usual everything is getting to me.My emotions have been on hiatus and it seems everything is getting worse and worse.
So to help things fair out for me,I quit my job(well Im only on call), deleted a few numbers from my phone and broke up with my boyfriend. Im just going to be alone and work on school for now.
Until then I will not be seen by anyone other than my family for a while. ..
lets see kicked out of my house, all because I felt that everyone in my house should stop being disrespectful to eachother. AH but whatever. I ended up getting to share some really great movies with people, gazing at the beautiful stars, making dinner and dancing, and brushing up on my pong skills. So i guess it wasnt too bad.
So now Im back at home till I can raise the money to flee the coop.
Speaking of leaving I dont know where to transfer and I need to know. My whole life, my whole entire life Ive known I wanted to go to college and where I wanted to transfer too now im sooo uncertain.
Lets see:
San Diego State Univ.
Cal State: Long Beach
San Francisco State Univ.
Academy of Art Univ.
are all too expensive or going to be expensive because there in the process of going up or they just suck.
Now out of state colleges Im considering:
University of Washington
Florida A&M University
why couldnt they just make a school of Krystle that would be perfect. I dont know what to do but whatever it is I have to think fast >.<
one didnt care to just be with me and to the next I am only a replacement its like I am the one being settled for, the generic brand noone wants but gets because its there…
I tried to be as honest I felt bad for just talking about work with him and all for a person who doesnt even want me. I feel sick a repulsive, it’s horrible to cry right before singing happy birthday infront of a group of strangers.
Maybe I should just be happy someone is with me. Even though I’m not special and a replacement, thats okay. Ill just sit by and keep my mouth shut
none of this would have happened if I would have kept my feelings to myself.
I just want to lay in an orange intertube in the middle of a river with the sun gleaming down on me. Alone nothing, no one, just me feeling the gentle wind blow past me.
I want dark red hair
a new dress
a beautiful pearl necklace
glossy lipstick
and a newww name.
and 15 pounds lighter.
I also want a cottage with a small dog .
no men. no anyone. people make me sick and when your around them you change …your different than what you think you are.
I can not withstand jokes anymore. No matter how dissatisfied people are they still walk outside with a grin and pretend.
When does pretending start to hurt.
If im going to be here. I have to learn to shut up and stop pretending im going to be someone.
just sit by idolly as I am just there to listen to others and hang around some for show. thats it.
I dont know whats going on with myself. Im not allowed happyness and if i was would I know where to find it. I speak gibberish now. My thoughts are unclear, my emotions are on a rollercoaster, Im trying to sort things out Im trying to figure what I want and figure out you and i cant im unsure, im unclear. Although I do not want to hurt jw i think he needs someone and i think he is genuinel.. i cant even keep my head straight with this funky brazilian sitting across from me in the lrc shaking his curly brown hair with his big headphones on, sliding his hands down his body, jerking his neck back and forth..
I dont know anything anymore maybe i have made a huge mistake in thinking that i shoulpd date him and you want to tell everyone at work what a huge mistake ive made. I dont know where i am. With you it was a silent elephant in the room everyone knew but me and everyone made a fool out of me. Sure you came back to me its whatever i cant do this anymore, im breaking up with him.
who know why i snapped i needed a break. I want to yell and when i said normal i ment exclusive and not this whole open close i want to know someone is mine and they can stand to be with me.. and only me. i only know you i dont even know if what im saying now is how i feel because things are so twisted and i am so twisted. I used to think so higly of myself or at least that i had morals and i was going in some sort of good direction, but look at me. I wanted to be like other couples look at joel and katie they actually see just eachother and i bet are happy with it. I bet they have issues but not so many. Im so fucked up and my understanding of how things work in a relationship are fucked up too. anyway i look at it im never going to be happy again. but you, your fine with who you are and what you do. IM not. you ask me silly stupid questions to pick my brain and yes your tearing me apart.
leave me alone now i quit i cant do anything else. I cant be anything else but horrible but terrible im always going to be this way another difference between what i have done and your little innocent deeds is im not happy with mine you are very very pleased with who you are and you know who you are and you know what your doing and i dont im being picked at probed manipulated hurt all the while i dont know whats going on in my head. i may not be able to move away right now but as soon as i can you better believe im taking every chance.
